Thursday, July 1, 2010

Ten Things You'll Hate About Me

So, as I'm delirious from the process of packing and moving and terribly bored with work today, I'm not going to rant about shit. Instead, I'm going to share some bizarre facts about myself with you, because apparently people read this thing.

1) I name things. Like, inanimate objects and things that aren't really objects at all. I have two tiny stuffed snakes that sit on top of my speakers. The green one is Bootsy and the red one is Grandmaster. I've named my tattoos (which are also snakes). The first one is Hermann, somewhat named in honor of Austrian skiier Hermann Maier. The second is Rolfe, named after the Nazi messenger boy in "The Sound of Music". I expect to get another snake tattoo to finish up the arm, and I will choose another German male name for him. I don't know why.

2) I eat incredibly slowly. My father used to yell at me as a child because he thought I ate too fast. As a result, I now finish meals 5-10 minutes after everyone else around me. Thanks, dad.

3) I fucking love movies with retards. I laugh like an absolute asshole. I think retards are hilarious, and if you say you don't, you're a goddamned liar.

4) I get really pissed if I can't complete a crossword puzzle. Which is why I don't even attempt to NY Times ones. I'm just not smart enough.

5) I'm the klutziest fuck on the planet. I have literally walked smack into walls in my apartment while dead sober. I am constantly bumping into door jambs. I'm covered in bruises because I apparently have no fucking depth perception or realization of my own girth.

6) Despite my current status of "graceless fucking spazz", I took ballet for 9 years. I was decent at it, I guess, but my body type is more suited to birthin' babies and pulling plows in Ireland than tripping the light fantastic.

7) I love coffee, but caffeine does not wake me up. If I consume enough of it, I tremble involuntarily, but that's it. Much like every other mind-altering substance, my tolerance for caffeine is ridiculously high.

8) I've had several completely unrelated career plans in my life, zero of which were ever achieved. They are: veterinarian (love animals, but I fall apart around the sick/dying ones, so... no); animator (used to be an okay artist, but didn't think I was good enough to do it for real); Thoroughbred trainer (even planned on going to U Kentucky to major in equine sciences, then realized a life on the racetrack is one of early mornings and abject poverty); investment banker (majored in finance for a while, then figured out that while money is fucking righteous, all the bullshit surrounding it is real boring); criminal psychologist (changed my major to psych, mostly because I wanted to study violent offenders and figure out what was different between us - not much, I'm betting). My career has actually consisted of: computer technician, publicist, computer technician/specialist/whateverIam.

9) I am competitive to the point of total psychosis. In every aspect of life. I have to be the best at fucking everything ever. If I'm not absolutely spectacular at something, I won't do it, or even attempt to do it. I have no ability to do something half-assed. All or nothing. (See #4)

10) I'm an amazing friend, if you can get past my myriad eccentricities. I am stupidly loyal, like a dog, and inappropriately generous, and all I really want to do is make you laugh and have you like me as much as I like you. I'm a firm believer in having just a few really good friends, and having them be the kind of friends for which you'd lie to the cops and dismember bodies and throw their bastard babies into rivers. That being said, my past is littered with former friends who I decided were not worth it. And when I decide you're out, you're out. Out of my life, out of my other friends' lives, and no one ever speaks to you again. As awesome a friend as I am, when the good times are over, I'm the cruelest, iciest cunt you'll ever meet.

And a bonus fact:
11) Instead of being "tired" or "sick", I like to claim I've got some obscure disease. If I'm tired, I've obviously been bitten by a tsetse fly and have African sleeping sickness. I breathed in dust while packing, so now I have Legionnaire's Disease. I also sometimes have rickets, scurvy, dengue hemorrhagic fever, and necrotizing fasciitis.


  1. # 10 is wonderful, and reminds me of myself. #9 is me when I LIKE doing something. I'm totally capable of 1/3 assing things I hate to do.

  2. I'm sorry: most of the items in this list will probably make people like you more. I find #2 particularly cute.

    You should write a follow-up list with all the things that have really made people hate you forever, or try to attack you with the nearest blunt object.

    You may start with:

    1) I don't update Drunken Misanthrope blog nearly often enough.

  3. Sorry, man. I moved recently, and my computer has a busted-ass keyboard. And sometimes I feel like I don't have much to say. But it's mostly the keyboard issue.

  4. I agree, you should definitely write more often.