Sunday, September 13, 2009

Drunkenly Live Blogging the Fucking VMAs

This is going to be a terrible idea, so here we go... (caveat: I'm not going to know who most of the people on this damn show are, because I am old)

That's enough, Lady Gaga. You're OMGweird as part of your calculated marketing plan, we all fucking get it. It's old and tired.

Buzz Aldrin introducing an award. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

I don't actually know what "The Hills" is, but I know it needs to go away.

Jermaine is sooooo fucking psyched that Michael is dead so he gets invited to places again.

I also don't know who Julius is, but I thought he was gonna punch Beyonce and/or the correspondent. Settle down, dude, YOU'RE the a-hole who walked in front of the camera during a live interview.

The Show:
Uh, wow. Madonna talking about her dead mother. Way to make the MJ intro ALL ABOUT YOU.

Oh my God, I want Pete Wentz to cry on camera so bad. Please, Pete. Please.

So... I like Janet Jackson. She's probably the only semi-sane one in that family, and I feel bad for her, but... that tribute was half-assed.

I am BEYOND SICK of people defiling my beloved Freddie Mercury. Shut your whore mouth, Katy Perry, GODDAMMIT!

If MTV insists on tapping an obscure British comic to host this abortion, why couldn't they pick The Mighty Boosh boys? At least then I might laugh instead of wanting to set this unfunny retard on fire.

HOLY SHIT. Kanye just pulled an ODB "Wu Tang is for the children" moment, but in his typical obnoxious douchebag way. Seriously, dude? I actually dig your music at times, but you make it really hard to do so. What a fucking asshole.

I used to absolutely LOATHE Green Day back in the day, but I now have some weird affection for them. They seem to have an appropriate level of contempt for all this music biz bullshit, and I dig that.

I can't hear "Poker Face" now without thinking of Rob. It's a shame that Lady Gaga is so overhyped and so "look at my stylized eccentricity", because she legitimately has a good voice. And ok, I dig the spontaneous blood. The VMAs need more bloodshed. Good on ya, Gaga.
However, her costume changes are going to give me nightmares. Goddamn.

And also getting the "That's Enough" award, Megan Fucking Fox. You're hot, we know. Please stand in a corner and be hot and STFU.

I am also super-excited for the "New Moon" Twilight-thing preview trailer whatever-the-fuck it is. But not for the same reason the kids are.

OK, I laughed so hard at "New Moon" that I think I twisted a Fallopian tube. COME ON, girls. I know my taste in men/love is slightly untraditional, but I really don't understand how this is some epic love story, and not some laughable hot mess of a movie with the worst actors ever to grace the screen. I'll watch it the same way I did "Twilight" - with Rifftrax.

Kanye gets mentioned in a list of nominees and everyone starts booing. Sweet schadenfreude.

Gerard Butler is getting all King Leonidas on the crowd. I'm into it, and I want to drink with him. He seems like he'd be a rad drinking buddy.

Tracy Morgan is my hero. Fuck you.

As I'm discussing on Twitter, Tyson Ritter from the All American Rejects is not only stunningly beautiful, but also completely humble and down-to-earth and lovely. I met him once, under some horrible circumstances, and he - and his bandmates - were fine, wonderful men. Quality people.

Oh God, Lady Gaga and her evil red demon face-eater costume just won something. I might shit my pants.

I have a no-longer-secret love of Pink. I seriously dig her songs, and will drunkenly sing them in bars. And, you know, "Sober" has a certain message for me. Ahem.

Beyonce bringing Taylor Swift out actually shows some serious class. It is a rare thing, even from celeb to celeb.

Another personal aside: I worked next to Rocafella Records for a while, and they were the most obnoxious fucksticks I have ever had the misfortune to work near. Everyone from Damon Dash down to the interns had a shitty, holier-than-thou yet ghetto-trash attitude and were ruder than shit. EXCEPT Jay-Z. He was a gentleman and always polite and respectful, no matter how important or unimportant you were. A genuinely good guy.

And any song about NYC and how beautiful it is wins my approval. "Empire State of Mind", indeed. Thank you and good night.