Womb Closed for Business

So it seems that I know a lot of people spawning babies these days. Some are having their first, some are onto the second.

It makes me sad, really, because it completely changes/erodes a friendship when one person has kids and the other doesn't. I know that slowly, these awesome people are going to fade from my life, maybe entirely. Having a child is this massive, life-changing, all-consuming event for my friends... and I just don't understand or care very much.

I don't understand kids. I don't like them in general. I can't fathom why someone would willingly, gleefully sign away the rest of his/her life to provide for a small person who will likely turn out to be an average jerk. What's the payoff? That someone loves you? Sure, from about ages two through ten, then maybe again after age 20. And God forbid you screw it up. Then your brat will end up writing on the internets about how much of a miserable drunk she is.

Obviously, I'm a dick, but people still incredulously ask why I don't want kids (I mean, really? You people think there should be small versions of me running around in the world?). There is no simpler way to put it than this:

I'm selfish, and I want to be responsible only for myself.

I want my money to be mine. I want to be able to take vacation from my job on a whim and go visit friends in Los Angeles, Denver, London. I want to go to Europe whenever the mood strikes, not just when there's no school. I want to sleep in on weekends, every damn weekend. I want to buy cool tech shit without worrying about who needs school clothes. I want to come home late, or early, or totally irregularly. I want to go out and get drunk until 4AM. I want to eat peanut butter for dinner and not worry about who else needs to eat. I want to be able to camp out on the couch with my husband/boyfriend and laugh and talk until sunrise, without worrying about waking anyone up. I'm wildly, unapologetically self-absorbed, and no child would benefit from that kind of parent. Moreover, I don't want any of those parts of my life to change. Ever.

No one would argue that having children changes your life. But to me, it seems more like they change it from a life to a prison sentence.