Housewarming parties/baby showers/bridal showers: So I gotta buy you shit now to validate and fund your life decisions? Fuck you. You want a baby, you buy the bullshit for it. Oh, you moved into a new apartment? Unless you’re 20 years old, you have towels and plates, so leave me out of it. Maybe you shouldn’t do ANY of this shit until you have the financial means to do so, and not come begging under the guise of “tradition” and “party”.
People who move their lips while reading: Someone should kill you. That behavior is only acceptable for first-graders who still need to “sound out” the words. You know, because they’re seven fucking years old. You’re just a moron with a first-grade reading level.
Chicks who actually refer to themselves as “hot”: I live for the moments in the future when these whores realize that their looks are gone. “Oh noes! I never cultivated an actual personality because dudes thought I was pretty!” Good luck with that high school diploma and vacant stare, bitch.
Over-dramatic gay men: You are not ACTUALLY a 13-year-old girl, so cut the junior high cafeteria bullshit. You need to calm the fuck down and stop creating your own queeny drama just so you can have something to bitch and eye-roll about. Grow up.
Double-wide strollers: Stop breeding.
People who are really into their birthdays as adults: You narcissistic cunts. The fact that you exist is a not a reason for celebration. Shut the fuck up.