Dear America -
Thanks for being pretty awesome. I mean, not really, but compared to most of the other countries on the planet, you're a righteous dude. It is my understanding that in other places, chicks get stoned for being uppity bitches, which is strange, since that's the exact same way I make most of my friends. Those broads should definitely come here, because we love that shit.
Also, thanks for welcoming my drunken ancestors. They left lands of much booze (Ireland and Germany) to come here and have different booze. And fall into lives of crime, but that's neither here nor there. Besides, we all liked New York enough to stay, and eventually achieved the American Dream - the generations transitioning from Drunken Unemployable Micks to Drunken Fancy-Pants College Graduates (sure, it took like 100 years, but all that boozing slows us down).
Anyway, dude, thanks for sucking way less than all the other places I could live. I could really do without the disgusting Walmart-topia that is the entire middle section of the country, but I don't live there, so fuck 'em.
Here's to you, USA! I salute you with tall boys from the bodega and an obvious fear of the sun.